My husband and I were married on a hot, muggy July day in 1977. His tux size remains the same, and I still fit in my wedding dress. We both have all our teeth. So sometimes we look at each other across the supper table, scratch our heads, and ask, “40 years? Have we really been married 40 years?” Then I notice his thinning hair, he notices my collection of wrinkles, and we do the math in our heads.
2017-1977=40.
Yep, we’ve been married for 40 years – not all of them easy. The early years were hard as our diverse family cultures merged, and our different communication methods often clashed.
He was a twin, who talked in a shorthand composed of mostly gestures and expressions.
I loved to talk and play word games with my family and friends.
He wanted constant contact with a constant companion.
I wanted time alone to think and debrief after we were together for a while.
He could play his guitar or listen to music for hours.
I could curl up in a quiet corner and read for hours.
But we both loved Jesus, we loved each other, and we loved children. So when we learned we were expecting, we eagerly embraced the challenges and joys of parenting. We had no idea that the arrival of our baby boy, born with a condition that required immediate life-saving surgery and years of medical intervention and therapy, would usher in the toughest 4 years of our marriage.
For 4 years, our communication styles didn’t matter because we were too busy caring for a sick baby, working, scheduling surgeries, and filing insurance to talk.
For 4 years, my husband’s need for a constant companion and my need for time alone went unmet as I slept with our son in his hospital room following one corrective surgery after another.
For 4 years, he was too tired to play his guitar, and I was too tired to read a book.
During those 4 years, our marriage could have fallen apart. It should have fallen apart.
Because, in 1982, there were no books for parents about how to cling to Christ while caring for children who were fighting for their lives. There were no blogs to encourage families of kids with special needs. There were no Facebook groups where stressed dads and moms could share tips. There were no marriage seminars for parents like us.
By the grace of God, our marriage didn’t fall apart.
Thanks to the intervention of a pastor and his wife who lived in our small town, my husband and I learned to trust God and look for His grace as we parented our child with special needs. The glue of faith strengthened our marriage, but communicating with each other still wasn’t easy, even after our son’s health stabilized.
Years later, when we moved to a bigger town, our new church offered a Sunday school class based on a brand new book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman. We learned that out of the five love languages–gift giving, quality time, words of affirmation, gifts of service, and physical touch–my husband’s primary love languages were physical touch and quality time while mine were gifts of service and words of affirmation.
No wonder communicating was hard for us. We were speaking different languages!
I’ve often reflected on how helpful a five love languages book would have been after our son was born. How using the five love languages could have strengthened our marriage during those hard years. How they could have made our son feel more secure during hospital stays and tests. How sharing them with our son and his younger sister could have improved their relationship. How adapting them for special needs families could provide a resource to foster relationships between parents and with their children.
This year, God has opened doors for Gary Chapman and me to co-author a five love languages book for special needs families. Before the writing begins, we want to hear from parents like you. So you’re invited to offer your feedback by clicking here and completing a short 2 minute survey. Thanks in advance to everyone who completes the survey. We really appreciate your help.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get ready for a dinner date with my husband. We’re celebrating 40 years of marriage, wrinkles and all!
Jolene Philo grew up with a disabled father and raised a child with special needs. She has also welcomed kids with special needs into her elementary classroom for 25 years. She is the author of several books about special needs parenting, caregiving, and special needs ministry. She blogs at www.DifferentDream.com and speaks around the country about special needs parenting and inclusion ministry. Jolene and her husband live in Iowa, are parents to two adult children, and are known as Grammy Jo and Papoo to their three adorable grandchildren. You can connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.
Congratulations on 40 years! Thank you for being such a wonderful example. Yes, by the grace of God.
I know when my child first got a mental health diagnosis 11 or so years ago one of the first things we were told was that most marriages don’t make it. It challenged me instead of discouraging me. We have had to work extra hard, and it has been challenging. No- it is challenging.
Thank you for your encouraging words.
Blessings,
Maree
You’re right. It is challenging, but much of life is challenging. Congratulations to you and your husband for rising to the challenge and making your marriage work. Jolene
I really enjoyed your article…as I love love love Gary’s Love Language book. I have read it many times…shared copies with many people and even taught about the 5 Love languages in our children’s ministry…before the kids book came out.
Now learning that their will be a Special Needs version brings happy tears. I am the mama of two precious sons with Autism. We are blessed to have Quality time and Physical touch as our love languages…though in different order.
I lead a Mom’s of Special Needs support group and talk about love languages ALL the time both for marriage strengthening and as a kiddo connection resource.
I meet many mamas who are Word of Affirmtion gals and they have non verbal children, this presents so many challenges on both the giving and receiving sides. I encourage them by keeping in mind it is about communication and connection. Whether it be sign language, adaptive equipment or eye contact.. each of our souls crave connection.
I am beyond excited for this new book!
I would love to complete questionnaires for you from our mamas to help with development. Please contact me if you need additional info.
Hi Michelle,
Thank you so much for your enthusiastic reply. I’m still waiting for final word as to whether the project is a go. Once that happens, I will be contacting families about participating in interviews and more surveys. I would love to add your information to the contact list for the project. If you go to this page on my Different Dream website (http://differentdream.com/contact/), you can scroll down and leave a comment. I’ll be able to see your email address, but no one else will. Then I’ll email you for more information. Thanks!
Jolene